Shame is one of those emotions most of us don’t talk about—but almost all of us feel.
It’s that deep, uncomfortable sense that there’s something wrong with us.
Not just “I made a mistake,” but “I am the mistake.” It’s incredibly personal, often painful, and can quietly shape how we see ourselves and relate to others.
What Does Shame Feel Like? And Where Does It Even Come From?
Shame can feel different for everyone, but there are some common signs. You might notice a harsh inner voice that tells you you’re not good enough. You might feel the urge to hide parts of yourself or avoid situations where you could be judged. It can show up physically too—tightness in the chest, avoiding eye contact, wanting to disappear. Many people describe shame as feeling small or exposed. It’s exhausting, and it often leads to more isolation. The more we keep it inside, the heavier it tends to get. Yes... can you see why we tend to hide from it and not really talk about it openly.
With shame it often starts early. It can be shaped by things we were told as children—messages like “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re not trying hard enough.” It can grow from experiences of trauma, bullying, or criticism. Society plays a role too—unrealistic standards around success, beauty, or behaviour can leave many people feeling like they’re never quite enough. Even things like social media comparisons can feed into shame. When we constantly see filtered versions of other people’s lives, it’s easy to feel like we’re falling short.
How Shame Impacts Us?
When that shame is left unspoken, it can have a big impact on our mental health and wellbeing. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and feeling stuck or disconnected from others. Some people develop perfectionism or people-pleasing behaviours as a way to manage shame—trying to be “good enough” to avoid feeling flawed. Others might withdraw or numb their feelings completely.
Shame thrives in silence and wants you to hide it from others, but that doesn’t mean you have to face it alone. Because we all have shame.
What can help?
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Naming shame: Just identifying it can be incredibly freeing.
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Exploring your story: Understanding the roots of shame helps loosen its grip.
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Self-compassion: Therapy helps you treat yourself with kindness—not criticism.
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Safe connection: Being truly seen and accepted by a therapist can begin to undo years of feeling "not enough".
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Developing new ways of relating: You can start to set healthier boundaries, build confidence, and show up more fully in your relationships.
Brene Brown and Shame
Let me just quickly touch on who Brene brown is... Brene Brown is a researcher, author, and speaker best known for her work on shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy . She’s spent a pretty long time studying how these emotions shape our lives, relationships, and mental health.
In brief... Brene sees that Shame thrives in silence, but empathy and vulnerability are the antidotes.
So what does Brene Brown say on Shame?
- 'Nobody wants to talk about it'. (Do you want to talk about it?)
- Shame is about feeling I am bad rather than I did something bad. Guilt is focused on behaviour; shame is focused on the self.
- Shame’s power thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment (This is probably why and how we hide away from it and do not talk about it openly) . These are the fuel that allow shame to grow. (Fuel to the fire baby)
- The antidote to shame, is empathy. When people respond with understanding, compassion, acceptance — shame cannot survive.
- Being vulnerable—sharing the shame story, acknowledging feelings of unworthiness, letting others see our imperfections—is part of the path toward shame resilience.
Anyone a perfectionist? Guess what...
- Perfectionism tends to go hand in hand with shame.
- When we feel shame, perfectionism often shows up as a protective strategy or mask—“if I can be perfect, maybe shame won’t get me.” But that very perfectionism tends to feed shame more. (More fuel to the fire)
Here's a link to a very awesome ted talk on 'Listening to Shame' by the one and only Brene Brown. I would highly recommend, it is long but stick with it.
My final thoughts...
Everyone experiences shame at some point—it’s part of being human. But it doesn’t have to control your life or shape your sense of self. Name it, explore it safely, reach out for help if you need it.
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