We often describe the mental load as the endless to-do list running quietly in the background.
The appointments.
The reminders.
The planning.
The noticing.
The anticipating.
The childcare stuff.
But for many women, it’s not just a list.
It’s the feeling of always being “on”.
It’s being the one who remembers birthdays, keeps track of what’s running low in the house, knows what’s coming up next week, senses when something feels off in the relationship, checks in on family members, keeps work deadlines in mind, and somehow tries to rest in between.
And it’s exhausting.
Not always physically.
But emotionally.
It’s the Emotional Weight That’s Heavy
The mental load isn’t just about doing — it’s about holding.
Holding information.
Holding responsibility.
Holding other people’s feelings.
Holding everything together.
Over time, that can start to feel like:
-
Low-level anxiety you can’t quite switch off
-
Snapping more easily than you used to
-
Feeling unappreciated but not knowing how to explain why
-
Guilt when you try to rest
-
A quiet sense of resentment that you don’t like feeling
Sometimes women sit in therapy and say, “Nothing is really wrong… I’m just tired.” How many women feel this way? I do at times... no wonder women require more sleep and tend to hit the sack earlier than men.
And when we explore it gently, what they’re often describing is the mental load.
Not dramatic.
Not obvious.
Just constant.
When It Starts to Affect Your Relationship
The mental load often shows up most clearly in relationships.
Not necessarily because your partner isn’t doing anything — but because you’re still the one thinking about everything.
There’s a big difference between:
Being helped.
And feeling truly supported.
If you’re the one who has to notice what needs doing, ask for it to be done, remind someone, and follow up… you’re still carrying it!
And that’s where the emotional part creeps in.
You might find yourself thinking:
-
“Why do I have to ask?”
-
“Why am I the one who sees this?”
-
“Why does it feel like it matters more to me?”
- "Why is it me reminding you?"
It often feels like you become their parent... their mum...ew!
Over time, this can create distance. Not because you don’t love each other. But because you don’t feel like a team.
Resentment rarely explodes overnight. It builds quietly in the small, repeated moments of feeling alone in responsibility.
Why It’s So Hard to Talk About
Conversations about the mental load can feel surprisingly charged.
You try to explain, and it comes out as a list of tasks.
They hear criticism.
You feel dismissed.
They feel attacked.
And underneath it all is something much softer:
“I don’t want to manage everything on my own.”
“I want to feel considered.”
“I want to feel like we’re in this together.”
But those feelings can be vulnerable to say out loud.
So instead, it turns into frustration about the bins. Or the diary. Or who booked what.
What Can Help?
This isn’t about perfectly dividing every task. It’s about shared ownership and emotional awareness.
That might mean:
-
Naming the invisible work you’re carrying
-
Talking about how it feels, not just what gets done
-
Exploring why certain responsibilities feel so heavy
-
Noticing where you struggle to let go
-
Gently challenging the belief that it’s “just easier if I do it myself”... yes it feels this way sometimes but then you will lose the battle forever.
Sometimes even having a space where you can say, “I’m tired of being the one who holds everything,” and be met with understanding — not judgement — can feel like a release. Find the person that is going to hear this, take the initiative and take some of that load.
Just to finish...
If you’re reading this and quietly thinking, “Yes… this is me,” please know there is nothing wrong with you.
If you are female... this will more than likely resonate. But understand you are not alone.
Carrying the mental load for a long time can make you feel tired in ways that are hard to explain. It can affect your mood, your relationship, and how you see yourself.
You deserve support too. Either in therapy or at home.
Add comment
Comments